Okay, no, not really, but my birthday party was a resounding success, and it made me feel curiously good. All of my favorite people, save one, came for dinner, and there was a most lovely cake, and wonderful gifts.
We lost a few people on the way to the bar, but gained a good number more before the evening was over. Drinks were purchased for me, and I was encouraged to do deviant things. I had a great time, and was glad to have so many good friends to share it with.
I think the only part I didn’t enjoy was coming home alone, to a big empty house. Just a few months ago, this would not have bothered me. In fact, I’d have reveled in it. But when you meet someone that you could see coming home with, at least sometimes, someone who is everything you didn’t even know you were looking for, it becomes a whole lot harder.
I could never be the kind of person who just wants someone there. I’m not that way. For some reason, I see fit to reserve myself for who are more than that. I set this really high standard, thinking that it would never be met. A few months later, I still can’t stop thinking about how I was sidewiped and knocked me off my feet because I wasn’t looking for anything or expecting anything in any way. I know I’m driving my friends crazy, being interested in someone who isn’t interested in me. I’m not usually that way either, and I wouldn’t be now if there had never been any interest. But there was, it was really, really there (or at least I had every reason to think it was) and then suddenly, it was not. I don’t know how that happens, I’ll never understand it. If I had done something, or something happened, I could, but I am told that is not the case.
And so I wonder. Every day I look in the mirror, and I wonder what it is that is wrong with me. I look at myself, and I’m not unhappy with what I see. I think about how I am, and although there is always room for improvement, I don’t think I am so bad.
That makes me question my sanity. Am I delusional? Where I look and I see someone who is fairly attractive, especially for my age, should I be seeing someone who is old and haggard? Am I living in a fantasy world that I am so deep into that I see someone who isn’t even there? But then, why would any of this have happened in the first place? I wonder if my personality is just ridiculous, perhaps I end up sounding stupid all the time, or crazy, which would make sense when I’m sitting here wondering how delusional I am. If so, how do I explain all of my wonderful friends the other night? Why would all of those people talk to me and hang out with me if I am crazy or stupid?
This is where I really begin to question reality. What if none of those people exist? What if I imagined them all and all of the good things in life? What if my house is really a tiny studio, and I ride the bus to a shitty job, and I just imagine up everything that happens to me every day? For all the good things that I have in my life, I’d be much happier to know that I was really living in an asylum just dreaming all of this, if that were the truth. At least then everything would make sense.
What is probably more the case is simply that I am receiving some sort of karmic retribution. I am getting what I deserve for not being able to love some of the people who have loved me. Or “loved” me, as I would say, for I still truly believe that a lot of that “love” was not what I would consider love, but more a desire to possess something, a need to hold tightly to something that they could never own.
Here is my horoscope for today:
“Quickie:
An enormous dose of karma is coming your way today — will it be good or bad?
Overview: Relying on others doesn’t come easily to you, but you need a third party’s advice. Right now, this person has much more detachment on a tricky topic than you do. What they can tell you is invaluable.
It’s time to relax and have some fun — not alone, but not in a crowd of thousands, either. You want to have some fun, but you probably also want to spend your time with just one quality person. Someone you’ve been dying to spend your time with. So instead of dragging yourself out and pretending to have a good time if you’re not really in the mood, snuggle up, kick back and enjoy a quiet evening — a party of two.”
I have a hard time truly believing in astrology, and in the past, I always saw that anything in a horoscope could be perceived as something personally true to each person who read it. Each horoscope I read for years seemed so vague, that it could fit anyone.
However, in the past couple of years, I have read more and more horoscopes that were more and more specific, and that really did seem to fit me personally, moreso than any ever had before. I don’t know if it IS my perception of things, or what, but some days, I have a hard time not believing.
In the meantime, until I figure it out, I will sit and wonder why.
∃ ℑ
